Where’s my tiny newborn gone?



Couldn’t even tell you how many weeks we’re at now but I’m pleased to report I’ve survived motherhood by 5 months (and counting!)

My tiny bundle of joy is an actual child now with an actual personality. We’ve got a pretty good routine going…she knows when she needs sleep and generally does so pretty well now!

She’s doing amazing all but a bit of reflux that a few changes has improved (bit of a late diagnosis but it has explained a thing or two!). She’s an absolute chunk which shows the feeding’s going well, nothing but Mama’s finest don’t you know!! Hitting all her milestones; sitting up, rolling about, she’s even sleeping in her own room (eek).

Parenthood is so much more than I imagined. I feel like we forget the Dads a lot and I’m so grateful Evie has such an affectionate Daddy. He’s so good and doesn’t even make a fuss at the pooey nappies (Jesus Christ the pooey nappies…how? She’s definitely inherited his regularity!!!)

Yes I’m that Mum who always shows up late with a stream of sweat down her face, make up everywhere, baby shit up her fingernails and a small human who’s even laughing like ‘omg…you moron’. I have a laughing baby though…What more could I possibly want??

I’m not sure how much is down to luck but I know she’s an absolute blessing. I’m pretty doubtful we’ll do it again (for obvious reasons following our journey) but we’re totally cool with that. I’m already at the return to work discussion stage so even more reason for me to dote on my little pud pud every second!

Next stop weaning! Yay…(i think)!!! As if I didn’t already do enough cleaning as it is!!

11 weeks on

So here I am with an 11 week bub sprawled across me who is way too happy for someone whos ideal nap time has been and gone.

I’ve decided…I love babies. I just LOVE them. I loved having a tiny, fresh newborn. She was amazing. Breastfeeding was really tough to establish but we did it and we now reap the benefits!

Now that she’s 11 weeks I’m loving it even more. She’s transitioned from a little alien who does nothing to a baby in a pretty good routine doing baby sensory, baby yoga and swimming.

I’m in the swing of it now. We do things, she’s interested in things and has started liking toys. I’m 10lb down, just 40 to go! We walk loads and she’s just my best friend. I really really can’t get enough of her!!

The not so perfect, she poos like an absolute trooper and can fight sleep like a goodun!! She has a pretty good night routine, roughly:

18.00- bath  pjs and feed

19.30- bed

10.30- dream feed

4.30- feed

7.30- up

So I won’t complain about the lack of naps. She’s just a naughty baby who’s too busy for naps haha!!

Hopefully I’ll have an update soon with her lovely new napping routine that I’m determined to crack!

The stork finally came

I think the stork was just lost. We had our baby. I was completely oblivious to everything else. Visitors came and went in the hospital. I didn’t care…she was mine. She had a very unsettled night, who wouldn’t being shoved in a big cold plastic box. She just wanted cuddles and although I was totally exhausted it was fine by me. We took her home the next day and began life on the outside as a three!

The first couple of weeks was a blur of visitors. Some kinder than others and let me tell you, the Mum shaming started early. I couldn’t do anything right according to some people!!

Once the novelty had worn off and my house was less like Piccadilly I was ready to start life with a new little chick in my nest

Baby…it’s your burthday!!!!

So here I am in a horrible delivery room, definitely not the most uplifting of places!! I was greeted by a midwife who hooked me up to a new monitor and a drip and left. We didn’t know how long for or why but we were left. At least the labour, and thus the pain, had stopped. After over 2 hours alone in the room we had to call the midwife back. The pain was back and it was constant. I knew something was wrong and I wanted to know if my baby was well. The midwife returned and told me I was very negative. Wow!! I was still strapped to the bed and it hurt. A lot. I needed the toilet. Once the midwife returned she showed me to the toilet. I couldn’t go. I couldn’t lower myself over the pain so aborted mission. The midwife called for the doctor but I was told not to expect it any time soon as the doctor is busy with emergencies. Well this was an emergency! I needed to know my baby was safe!! It was at this point I had an accident on the bed, I’d wet myself. I was in pain and VERY embarrassed. I should have known not to expect a discreet or even sympathetic response from the midwife. Instead she sarcastically skwarked ‘well SOMEONE should have done their pelvic floor exercises’. Wow.

The doctor arrived quite promptly and had a heated discussion with the midwife in front of us. The midwife believed we should return to a ward until labouring. The doctor disagreed. Due to my pain levels the doctor wanted to examine and break waters if possible. Something was clearly happening whether there was actual progress or not. Well we all know the doctors word is final! My cervix was still posterior and only 2cm dilated! The doctor broke my waters which, let me tell you, was completely agony with a posterior and pretty much closed cervix! I needed gas and air for that bit!! There was merconium in my waters and the doctor seemed concerned.

Once the doctor left I was in excruciating pain. I couldn’t cope. The pain was constant. I wanted to kill myself it was so bad. I called the midwife back after about 2 hours.  I was still strapped to a drip and monitor in the bed and could do very little to relieve the pain. It didn’t feel right. I asked for the doctor and the midwife said this would happen in time, the doctor was dealing with emergencies. I told the midwife this is an emergency and i know something’s wrong. I told the midwife it was getting worse. I remember the midwife saying ‘we don’t say worse, we say stronger’ and reminded me of my negativity. I repeatedly asked for the doctor and the midwife reminded me of hypnobirthing and how I can make this easier. She wasn’t listening, that was the last thing on my mind! Once I’d had enough of the midwife testing my patience with her ‘encouraging’ breathing I remember screaming ‘FUCK OFF WITH YOUR FUCKING BREATHING’. How many times did I have to ask for an update on whether my baby was well?

The doctor returned and didn’t like what baby was doing. She suggested an epidural to lower my blood pressure and calm baby. I agreed to anything that would keep baby safe. I had the epidural, it wasn’t bad at all. Baby immediately took a turn for the worse though and I was in theatre within 10 minutes.


The doctor had told me the next stage is a caesarean section. I had asked my options and was told ‘caesarean now or stillbirth later’. I liked the abrupt response…I knew where we stood. Finally. We were ran to theatre with the drip and monitor ran alongside us. I was so scared.

They started cutting me open before Nathan was in the room. Nathan arrived and at some point, I can’t remember if it felt like long or not, we heard a cry. We hadn’t been told baby had been born, in fact we didn’t see the midwife the entire time. Eventually we were presented with a little bundle. The doctors had had her for 15 minutes helping her breathe and we didn’t even know she’d been born!! We didn’t know the gender as the doctors had promptly left. Nathan had a sneaky peek and announced it with ‘I was right all along’. Baby’s a girl!! Our baby was born (or extracted!!) at 6:52 weighing in at 8lb 2. A lot less than the over 10lbs predicted!! After stitching me back up the doctor informed me baby had aseveral true knots i  her umbilical cord. I was told id never have laboured normally and even if I had baby would never have survived it. Thank God she was here!!

I had skin to skin with Baby Bottrell at 7:48 and there you have my birth story. I was a Mum. She latched like a pro whilst I finally, in a state or exhaustion, switched off to the world.




Come ON baby

I made my way back to the hospital eagerly on 21st October. My 24 hours was up and I just wanted to know my progress!! Things were looking good. After an examination i was told…NOTHING. I had what was known as a ‘non labouring cervix’ – lazy thing!!! Because my cervix was posterior the midwife tried to pull it forward into a more preferable position – ew and ow! A gel was then applied to mt cervix as the next induction method. I was lucky enough to get a double dose for having such a lazy cervix!! The gel was a 6 hour jobby so on we waited!!


I started to get uncomfortable whilst i walked and walked and walked.  My body seemed to be doing something. After my 6 hour check i was VERY disappointed to hear there was NO progress. Another double dose it was – yay!! I began to lose confidence and walked and bounced and relaxed. Contractions had started. They came in the blink of an eye. No easing into it whatsoever for me!! I was in pain. Constantly. By 9pm i didn’t know how to cope anymore. By 11pm I was beside myself. What happened to pain coming and going? I mentioned my pain to a midwife and asked for a bath. Midwife wanted to listen in to baby just to check.

I was all plugged in and monitoring baby. The midwife didn’t like what she saw. I had swarms of doctors and nurses in my cubicle in seconds. Needles were going in everywhere and i was given medicine to halt the labour, how counter active!! I was taken down to delivery for a doctor to decide what to do with me.

It’s 00:00, the birthday of my baby, and I’ve just arrived in a delivery room!!

My birth story

So this is long. I want to record every detail I remember for the years to come.


I made my way to the General for a 10am induction. After a visit from the doctor on shift, who caused a panic at a missing scan report (the nurses had it!!), I had a pessary inserted at 1pm. Rather a pain free experience. The pessary is 24 hour release so we were to wait for either labour or 24 hours. The doctor on shidt insisted we remain at the hospital much to our annoyance. By 8pm a new doctor on shift came and released us!! I put up a good fight that I would be more likely to progress whilst relaxed at home so on we went. We filled up on a kfc on the way, I got home and set myself up in the spare room so I could spread out. Next door were having a garden party but I didn’t care, I could have slept through a world war at that point!! What I COULDN’T sleep through was the vomitting and diarrhoea that followed in the early hours. I sucked it up and prayed it was things working, whilst thanking the Lord I wasn’t still on the ward with what felt like the worlds worst D&V. How embarrassing…

Let me fill you in…

Christ it’s been a while. I didn’t forget I’ve just had my hands full. I’ve decided to carry on writing for my future self 🙂

My last few weeks of pregnancy went well. Baby was looking ready to get outta there and we all had bets on it coming early. 3 failed sweeps later and trying EVERYTHING in the book (It’s all lies I’ve decided-you can NEVER trigger your own labour) I decided to give in and was induced at 2 weeks 3 days past my due date. I didn’t want to be induced but there came a time to give in to my preferences. It was no longer worth the risk of a failing placenta for baby to ‘come in his or her time). So it’s the 20th October 2018 and I make my way to the General for an induction. The next few posts will be my birth story, bear with me…

So so much later

So here I am. Writing at 35 weeks with our little one due in just 5 little weeks.

Physically I’d say pregnancy has been pretty textbook. We were very glad to convince the consultants that IVF doesn’t make us ‘high-risk’ and we were allowed to get on with it.

20 weeks came around in the blink of an eye and baby looked just PERFECT! We were so happy. I was advised I had placenta privea and was advised to take caution with activity, etc. I carried on going to the gym until 28 weeks (listening to my body of course) and a 32 week scan showed my placenta had migrated to a healthy position – yay no planned C Sec 🙂

I loved the second trimester. Feeling baby move is honestly the most magical and wonderful thing I’ve ever felt and I know I’m just so privileged.

Other than this I can say it’s physically been very straight forward. Baby is measuring over 2 weeks ahead in length…Wonder where he/she gets this from!!

Emotionally, not so. My best friend lost her 2 day old baby boy whilst I was 22 weeks. Without going into details he was born at 32 weeks and was too poorly to stick around. I can’t even tell you what this did to me. Heartbroken doesn’t come close. I still feel like I’m grieving now. Both for my best friend (who can stand seeing a loved one in so much pain?) and for what could have been. I miss him terribly and am just absolutely heart broken. I can’t even begin to tell you what this does to your head as a pregnant woman either. It made me absolutely terrified but I had to carry on for our little one. My friend is the strongest person I know and will somehow put the pieces back together around her little boy and I’ll be right there.

We’re all mucking on and only 5 weeks (maybe) until we get to meet our little treasure.


Our 12 week scan came around and we were thrilled we had a lovely little one cooking nicely! I’ve never known relief like this and I felt my anxiety flush away there and then. I was VERY aware of what could go wrong still but I figured we had to let ourselves be happy at some point. We loved our little Pingu (check out the scan pic…you’ll know!).

We were thrilled. Really honestly thrilled.

We then got into experiencing the lovely lovely thing that pregnancy is!

Baby on Board

So this is it.

A tiny tiny baby on board.

My very own precious cargo.

I didn’t jump for joy. I don’t even remember cracking a smile. All I could think was ‘oh crap’. I can’t explain how I felt following this but what I can say is I now understand the harsh emotion that is anxiety.

We had expected to fall down so many times. We’d initially had a 5% chance of finding sperm. This was then snatched away with the consultant advising us we’d ‘never find any’. After we had the blow of having just one little eggy we knew our chances were just dire. Once we were lucky enough to have a 5 day embryo our chances of sticking were around 30%. Even after that we were looking around 45% chance of our precious cargo sticking around.

We knew we’d beaten the odds but we waited for this to be ripped away from us.

We had a scan at 6 weeks and 5 days weeks for viability and got to see the tiny little smudge (looked like a little prawn) with a heart beat. Even with this reassurance the wait to hit 12 weeks was long, hard and extremely anxious.